I’ve been feeling very anxious recently. I have been attributing it to the fact that Uranus has been in the final degree of Pisces, the sign that “houses” my Sun, Mercury, Venus and North Node.

How is this affecting me?

Ever since Ning, the build-your-own-social-network platform, announced that it will no longer be providing its service for free, I have been contemplating a major overhaul of Sasstrology. I do not want to shell out $20 per month to host a forum, so I’ve been looking into integrating an open-source forum/social-networking platform called BuddyPress into my blog, which runs on WordPress. Namely, I want “one brand”/one destination, and I don’t want the foundation of my site to be dependent on the whims of a company that can change its policies at any time.

So I’ve been spending numerous hours, behind the scenes, beefing up my CSS/PHP skills so that I can build Sasstrology 2.0 on my own (with the help of some very smart WordPress people in various forums). Although I feel confident I can do this, I’m also feeling worried about the future. I believe that Sasstrology has the potential to be a lot bigger than it is, but I am also taking some risks by integrating the blog with the forum. (And then there’s just the fear that, even though I’m building Sass2.0 in a development environment, something could go wrong when I launch it live on Sasstrology.com.)

When I get this anxious, I remind myself that nothing has to change. I don’t have to update the technical foundations of the blog. I can just pony up the 20 bucks per month to keep the forum on Ning. I can just keep doing things the way I’ve been doing them. I have a formula right now that seems to work well enough, so why rock the boat?

Which brings me to Uranus. I really don’t think it’s healthy for me to just do the same thing week after week. I need to push myself. To do otherwise is to settle, to die on some level. I’ve been working so hard for the past few years to get to where I am, and frankly I’m not even halfway to where I want to be. (And where I need to be if I want to support my family with this endeavor.)

So I will keep soldiering on. Somehow, knowing that Uranus will backtrack into Pisces again is comforting – I can keep working on the next version of Sasstrology behind the scenes without feeling that I am obligated to move forward. I know that an inner revolution is taking place even if I’m not immediately ready to share it with the world.

I stopped being a client in my mid-thirties, and since circa 2003 I have been seriously involved in a dance/movement practice called the Five Rhythms. Although I have teachers, they have a 1:many relationship in class, and I feel I have room to develop my own practice, not to be pushed in a specific direction or told that the way I am moving is “wrong.”

I cannot tell you how freeing this is. When I dance – provided I feel I am in a “safe” space – I can somatically express exactly what my bodymind needs to get out. Sometimes I do question, though, what kind of growth this practice facilitates. Am I just “getting it out” in a Reichian release-type fashion? I know release work is healing, but I don’t think I’m changing my core beliefs or anything. In some ways, I actually feel fairly stuck, especially with my interpersonal issues.

Part of the problem of doing movement practice in a group is that I am balancing authentic expression of my innermost self with feelings about being part of a “tribe,” not to mention dealing with erotic attraction. I am looking out while moving from within, and the former often ungrounds me from my inner experience.

Yet despite the distractions inherent in being in a group, I often derive a feeling of nourishment from participation in one – even if I don’t actually talk much with anyone. I feel I am having real connections with some – contrary to what my analyst-in-training said, which was that these dance experiences aren’t “real” interactions because words are not spoken.

And even if my psychological patterns don’t dislodge by virtue of my movement practice, I do feel an almost shamanic experience of surrendering to something deeper than my surface consciousness. It could be that I just need to get my rage out – for I tend to scream and thrash about at times – but I can’t see any other culturally-appropriate way to express it. I can exercise all I want, but it’s no substitute.

Probably the most profound experiences I have had on the dance floor have been when I’ve felt the vibrations in my chakras. When it does happen, it’s usually the fifth (throat) although on occasion I do feel some type of energy at my crown. It is fairly common for people to place one hand on their heart (4) and belly (3), and I do this, too – but I don’t think the energies here are as vibrational, if only because the matter there is more dense. (I’m talking here with absolutely no authority about chakras. I attended a three-day training with Anodea Judith and have read a few books.)

I also tend to shake a lot in class. My understanding is that it’s a release of kundalini energy (Shakti) that is thwarted in “her” attempt to meet Shiva at the crown because I have blockages in my energy system. Sometimes I feel I would fit in at one of those Pentecostal meetings where congregants shake and speak in tongues (although I don’t do the latter).

Where the Twain Meet

When I was a grad student studying counseling psychology, I took a few workshops plus a class in Hakomi Therapy, and I was also a client of someone certified in Hakomi. Developed by Ron Kurtz, Hakomi is a body-oriented therapy influenced by Buddhism. It goes beyond the “felt experience” of Gendlin (“focusing”) and goes deep into how specific messages are encoded in physical patterns or areas of tightness.

I have not studied dance therapy, nor have I been a client, although I know there is someone who has developed a dance therapy model based on the Five Rhythms. I have no desire to be a dance teacher, but I would be interested in doing some inner work combining 5R and therapy.

I’m certain that I would not be where I am now without having immersed myself in the world of psychotherapy for so long. I learned about Kundalini when I was studying at the California Institute of Integral Studies. And I learned about the Five Rhythms when I attended an East Coast conference on psychotherapy and spirit (which is what CIIS is known for). So my path does have a purpose.

I’m not sure I’ll ever break out of the life-long patterns with which I am unhappy, but I do know that dance/movement practice keeps me sane – not literally, for I’ve never decompensated, but just releasing all the angst I carry around (either from the past or the stresses of daily life) helps me to live my life with some greater degree of serenity than if I didn’t dance on a regular basis.

It is a given that anything one publishes on the internet is nowadays more-or-less permanent. Therefore, one must think about one’s reputation. The thing is, whom do I want to feel positive regard towards me?

Of course, I want to be liked by everyone. But in reality, I need to care about two things: future employers, and future girlfriends. Right now, I’m married and am a struggling self-employed person – in which case, I don’t have to worry about a prospective boss or date googling me. However, anything can change at any time. I could divorce, or my blog could fail and I’d need to find a job, if only to pay my basic expenses.

Transiting Uranus is making its final conjunction to my natal Venus on February 9 of this year. My Venus is in my 7th house of partnership and rules my 10th house of career. So, basically just about anything could happen in my career and/or love life this winter.

But does a writer hold himself back out of fear of some future state of affairs?

Unfortunately, the “cloud” is not always reliable, and right now the search function in Google Docs is not working. I like Evernote because information is saved both on my hard drive and in the cloud, and I can easily access it on my iPhone. However, I don’t record my every thought there. (It would be nice if they had a spreadsheet function!)

What system(s) do you use to record your thoughts and save your ideas?