A Reader's Response to 'Reclaiming Your Power in a Relationship'
Mirror of Aphrodite has written a powerful blog entry inspired by Beth's guest blog post here at Seduction Central:
You see, women are caretakers for the most part. And they invest a lot of time and energy into their relationships - sometimes at great expense. She becomes so invested that she never stops to ask herself - am I getting what I NEED out of this? Is there a return on my investment? Or is this just sucking the life out of me? Is it a waste of my time and energy? Because, as we do in business, we do in life. We all make investments with the assumption that someday - there will be a payoff.Read the full entry...
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posted by Jeffrey Kishner at 5/18/2008
5 Comments:
Thank you, Jeffrey, for running such a wonderful blog as Seduction Central and thank you, Beth, for your insight and advice.
I'm sure that discussions could go on for days about this particular topic. The very same discussion has been taking place between my friends and I for several years now. Beth, you hit the nail on the head yet again when you commented on my site, "When we make ourselves like a household appliance, performing functions instead of being people, we devalue ourselves and our partners. Knowing what we want and going for it, that makes us interesting and worthwhile to know."
So true, Beth. . .so true. My thanks and sincere appreciation to you both.
This is very well written & poignant. But there's a part of me that is so sad to read & know that somehow investing yourself fully in a relationship, & giving your all to the man you love may not be such a good idea. On a cognitive level I understand perfectly what you are all saying here & I concur. But my heart is saddened to know/think that the devotion & love that a woman can offer *can* be so fruitless, in the end...:-(
Shygirl,
"my heart is saddened to know/think that the devotion & love that a woman can offer *can* be so fruitless, in the end...:-("
No, such devotion is not fruitless, but I think that if you expect your man to recognize you for your sacrifices than you are setting yourself up for a fall. No one, man or woman, wants to have so much given to them that they must be grateful to the giver.
A healthy relationship has a give and take, where there is a reciprocal sense of care taking. Sometimes one gives more than the other, but there is always a sense that when we give out, eventually we get back.
My husband and I jokingly refer to the "relationship bank" letting each other when someone has "overdrawn" the bank. That is our signal that we need to refocus on the relationship and give each other some extra attention.
Like any other couple, we have our problems, but at least we can always talk to each other.
Starry, I like your metaphor of the "relationship bank!" I had a friend once tell me that when people decided to really commit to one another, you were no longer dealing with two entities but three. Yourself, your partner, and the relationship. It seemed kind of simplistic at the time, but I've since discovered that it was quite profound.
In an ideal situation, all three "entities" invest back into one another (e.g. your partner invests in him or herself, in you as an individual, and the relationship you're building together.) So, if you're only investing in your partner (their wants, needs, whims, etc.) and the relationship, you're more likely to suffer catastrophic loss if you lose one of them.
Loss happens, and yes it's terribly sad. I'm going through one right now in which I'm going to have to cut my losses in the relationship, so to speak, and wait until later (many years, probably) to see if my investment in the person himself yields any fruit. It hurts, and it sucks, and I lie awake hurting about it. But I've also invested heavily in myself all the while, so I'm not "destitute." It's not the end of my world, because my world is bigger than that one part of it.
Does that make any sense?
Laura,
Yes it makes perfect sense.
I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. And I'm glad to hear you have the resources to see yourself through it.
When we are faced with such losses, especially when they seem to come out of nowhere, it just seems so unfair. But often it has nothing to do with what we did right or wrong, it is just how it is.
God bless and good luck,
Beth
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