What does it mean to "settle"?
Being the Virgo Rising person that I am, I had to pick up To-Do List at the library. It contains about 100 lists from various individuals, and there is a special section devoted to listing the traits of one's Ideal Mate. One lister decided that she would turn away any guy who met less than 65-70% of her criteria.
So what does it mean if you fall in love with someone who, say, only meets 55% of your criteria? Do you show that person the door?
Mercury may rule lists, but Neptune governs our vision of the Ideal Mate ... the key word being ideal. We all have our fantasies of what will make us happy. Smart, kind, athletic. Busty, good cook. Domineering, well-endowed.
Not all list items carry the same weight, though. Some are "bottom line requirements" and others are "wouldn't it be nice?" Perhaps you won't put up with someone who's a heavy drinker, or a Republican, or bisexual. Yet if your partner doesn't have a cute butt, you'll survive. This is where Saturn comes in. This planet sorts out the needs from the wants. Saturn removes the excess to get to what really matters.
If a partner meets all of your bottom line requirements but few "wouldn't it be nice" qualities, will you be happy?
It's OK to grieve when your partner doesn't fit all of your ideals. A good relationship is a little bit Saturn, a little bit Neptune. You want it to be more than "all reality, all the time" ... but you're not likely to be living in fantasy 24/7, either.
Comment below: What does settling mean to you?
Related post: Staying in a relationship past its expiration date
So what does it mean if you fall in love with someone who, say, only meets 55% of your criteria? Do you show that person the door?
Mercury may rule lists, but Neptune governs our vision of the Ideal Mate ... the key word being ideal. We all have our fantasies of what will make us happy. Smart, kind, athletic. Busty, good cook. Domineering, well-endowed.
Not all list items carry the same weight, though. Some are "bottom line requirements" and others are "wouldn't it be nice?" Perhaps you won't put up with someone who's a heavy drinker, or a Republican, or bisexual. Yet if your partner doesn't have a cute butt, you'll survive. This is where Saturn comes in. This planet sorts out the needs from the wants. Saturn removes the excess to get to what really matters.
If a partner meets all of your bottom line requirements but few "wouldn't it be nice" qualities, will you be happy?
It's OK to grieve when your partner doesn't fit all of your ideals. A good relationship is a little bit Saturn, a little bit Neptune. You want it to be more than "all reality, all the time" ... but you're not likely to be living in fantasy 24/7, either.
Comment below: What does settling mean to you?
Related post: Staying in a relationship past its expiration date
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posted by Jeffrey Kishner at 3/19/2008
22 Comments:
i think there is a huge difference between "settling" and accepting. Settling is taking what is in front of you as you rationalize for some reason its not what you wanted but you'll take it. Accepting is loving your parter...faults and all.
Ms. Difficults List:
breathing check
good at sex check
done
Brilliant post. I think it's important to be conscious of who you are and what you want. I made the mistake of thinking I could mold my ex into the person I wanted vs. being happy with who he was. Our relationship fell apart because neither of us were our best selves.
As a list-loving Virgo, yes, I have/had a list. I took the best of my previous relationships and turned the negative aspects into positive characteristics that I wanted. And guess what? The universe delivered. I am with someone fantastic and I'm able to recognize that he's fantastic because I know what I want.
Consider diving blindly into relationships like going grocery shopping when your hungry. If you don't have a list, you're going to fill up on junk instead of what you really need and know is good for you. Snickers only satisfies in the short-term...
And that "your" in the last paragraph should be "you're." sorry.
And may I add that it took some solid work in therapy to recognize all this? Settling isn't necessarily a bad thing.
"Settling" is having a sour Spartan instead of a rosy Red Delicious.
An apple is an apple. Nutricious and delicious, and if you go for the Green . . . best roasted in the oven with cinnamon and nutmeg. Spicy and steamy.
I prefer pomegranates. The seeds are interesting.
Some might believe that settling is getting that red delicious, albeit a bit mealy on the inside, rather than having no apple at all.....
@ms. difficult...
hahahhahaha
I'd rather go hungry than have a mealy apple.
I have a few friends/family/acquaintances that have settled. Some have gone on to make huge messes of the marriages they never really wanted in the first place, others are still unhappy in theirs. I never settled, and strangely enough, they judged me for not trying hard enough to work things out, or not staying because of the kids, or whatever. It seems "settling" is the norm in our culture. I find that most of those I know who settled don't think they can do better. It's not about having a "better" mate though, it's about having one that's right for you. My one friend confessed to me that he hated his girlfriend, and has since married her and had a child. There isn't anything he likes about her, but his dating self-esteem is so low that he was afraid if he didn't keep the one he had, he'd never find anyone at all. That's why he settled for the girl he hates. There are multitudes of reasons why people settle, but settling is exactly what you said Jeff, staying with someone who is less than ideal in the important things.
I settled once myself, for someone who I thought had the important things but didn't, and I found out too late to easily get out of it. I eventually did get out, after many years, and through that experience I learned precisely what I did and did not want. This time, no settling.
I used to think it was all about accepting the other person and being happy enough if they are respectful, good-company, and loyal.
Now I have a different take on it, since I am divorced. I would rather be single than "settle" because that word sounds a lot like COMPROMISE to me, and that may work in the short-run....but I know myself too well. If he doesn't knock my socks off in the beginning, he never will, and I will get bored or restless and leave him eventually to go find another adventure in someone else's eyes.
I want the man of my dreams, soulmate, us against the world, changing my freaking life, true love, or else I'm just gonna go it solo. Oh, yes, and he better be my best friend too! :)
Now...if you mean "settle" as in "relax" then that is another story entirely.
@ Ms. Difficult!!!
You are sooo funny!
....and why wasn't it difficult? See, now I am very confused.
Yes it is most obvious that Ms. Fallen Angel is in a perplexing state of confusion which is of no surprise to myself and others of the Scorpionic influence.
I don't think anyone will knock our socks off forever--but everyone is different.I have had the best relationships wiht someone I liked and was friends with--and only after time we realized we loved each other much more!
I rather agree wiht the perosn who said settling is differnt than accepting.
I understand why some people would be afraid to end a tired or bad relationship--but I don't think staying or going is the only answers.
I was unhappy, and my husband didn't meet some important needs I have.I relaized I loved him still--but the problems seemd insurmountable.
But like greensea said--lots of therpay-plus marriage counseling too!
And I'm not just settling .I was able to make up my mind, once and for all.And beleive me only about 5% of me thought it would work, but I was willing to try.
And it worked very very well.
As I like to say:-)
(you've probably heard me say this before)we're on each other's sides now.
We do love one another, and there's no question of one leaving the other.
We do fight--stubborn Taurus that he is,with Aquariu moon that needs space and isn't very affectionate-- and talkative demanding inquistive Libra that I am--we get into it--but we know we'll be allright.:-)
Proserpine here btw--I prefer McIntosh apples myself.To me red delicious--isn't.;-)
Karen said...
I don't think anyone will knock our socks off forever--but everyone is different
Jeffrey, this would be a GREAT topic to discuss...loving someone vs being "in love"
@ashley, that's easy. "to love" is a verb, an ACTION, while being "in love" ... well, I've written about this before
@Tony
I have a Scorpio rising and Venus, Saturn, and Pluto in Scorpio.
Gosh, I think you have fallen in love with me. It is sooooo obvious :P Now that you are all vulnerable from love, I will try to be more sensitive towards your feelings.
Actually, I take that back. Watch it.
Thank you for your concern.
I've been out of action for a while and am only just catching up with what has been posted recently. Another great post with some great comments.
How true - settling and accepting are two completely different things. Just saying to myself "I've settled for him" feels so different to "I accept him". The former feels heavy and depressing, the latter feels lighter and more expansive and something that isn't a burden to live with.
welcome back, flossy!
"My one friend confessed to me that he hated his girlfriend, and has since married her and had a child. There isn't anything he likes about her, but his dating self-esteem is so low that he was afraid if he didn't keep the one he had, he'd never find anyone at all."
Hmmm . . .
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