Should you leave if he does not fall in love with you?
There comes a point in nearly every relationship in which you must decide if you are going to move on or commit. Sometimes you enter the dating world with a set of dealbreakers, but you become lax about them if you have strong feelings about a guy. Perhaps you really want to build a family, and he's "open" to it when you get to know each other. But when your clock really starts ticking, he owns up to the truth that he just doesn't want kids. Or you really want a guy who can hold down a job and pay his own bills, but you overlook his mooching because he's just so romantic -- until you're fed up with taking care of him.
And then there's the issue of reciprocity: Do you love him, and does he love you back? There are many reasons to stay in a relationship without love: sex, financial security, companionship, a green card. Yet if you love your guy and he doesn't love you back, you can feel devastated. It is natural to wonder if there's something wrong with you (or if you're confident, what's wrong with him for not loving you back?). But essentially, you wonder if you're wasting your time. Perhaps you'd even be willing to give up your dreams of having a family with a gainfully-employed guy, if he loved you back.
At the end of the film Juno, the protagonist's father tells her that a relationship can work over the long haul if both people love each other, warts and all. If your guy loves you even when you wake up and your hair is messy and you have bags under your eyes, then you've got a good thing! If he loves you despite your screechiness or willfulness or insecurity, you're a lucky lady.
One of the painful experiences of childhood is being conditionally loved by one's parents. You learn that parental warmth, affection and approval come when you "perform" certain behaviors, and these gifts are withdrawn when you perform others. Psychologists say that we develop false selves by pushing down that which our parents find unacceptable and only presenting those parts that elicit love and approval. When we grow into adults, we long to be completely accepted by another adult -- to have our whole being embraced. It can be so lonely to have to put on a facade all the time. When you can come home to a partner and let go of your public mask, you can feel a tremendous relief.
So if you feel subtly (or not so subtly) rejected by your guy, if you feel that he doesn't totally accept you as you are, how long do you wait for him to turn around?
If circumstances permit, you probably should leave if he does not fall in love with you -- unless other factors overwhelmingly weigh in favor of staying (for the sake of the kids, financial considerations, etc.). So it really is a matter of when. People's feelings of love can grow over time, so it's within the realm of possibility that he will fall in love with you at some time in the future. But then again, he may not. How much of your life do you want to put on hold while you wait?
Astrology is one tool that may help you set a deadline for yourself. One indicator of time would be a transit from Saturn to your natal Venus. This is a "sh*t or get off the pot" experience, in which you are forced to become clear about your relationship priorities -- and if they're not being met, you move on. Saturn governs time, and you're sick of wasting this valuable commodity on someone who doesn't appreciate you. You can also look at outer planet transits to your natal Venus, and the position of your progressed Venus.
Venus rules value. If you're not appreciated on your own terms, then you may want to find someone who does cherish you.
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posted by Jeffrey Kishner at 3/05/2008
25 Comments:
moved on just as Saturn was transiting my Sun and Venus in the 12th house.
Jeffrey, this is a great post. As someone with Venus conjoined Pluto, I know from holding on! (Then again, with Uranus conjunct Moon, I know from sudden breaks!) I agree about Saturn transits to Venus being a time to commit or break off - I was living with someone many years ago and we broke up when Saturn opposed my Venus exactly. Saturn is now conjunct my Venus/Pluto (2 Virgo), but I'm not in a relationship. Nothing to break up. But probably a good time to decide what's important and who I'm willing to spend my time with.
Yes, you have to let loose and do your own thing, and let the man do his. If he comes back, he's yours; if he doesn't he never was.
Like my grandmother used to say, "A watched pot never boils."
We spend too much time worrying about it.
I dated a man for 18 months, and lived with him for 10 of them, and he didn't love me back. I waited, and hoped that he'd come around. I waited and hoped, not because I really loved him, but because I was afraid of failing at the relationship. That was baggage that I had from another relationship. I checked, and transiting Saturn was nowhere near my Venus. It wasn't near his either. Then I suspect that the reason for that break up had a lot more to do with the larger scheme of self-discovery and growth, rather than just having had enough of him, or him of me. To analyze it astrologically would take too long, as it wasn't something that could be pinpointed to one specific date but had many intricacies in both our charts and transits.
To answer the question, it depends of course, depends what you want in a relationship and what you are willing to accept. If you want your partner to love you, and he doesn't, then yes - get out of the relationship and find one that works. I did, and I don't regret it at all. It doesn't matter to everyone, and everyone has their own solutions, so there is no catch all answer. There really never is...
Wow, what a great article. There is no I in team is my answer. I dated someone for 10 mos. He divided everything. If he came to my home and had a glass of wine he would offer to replace it. If he bought me an expensive gift knowing I couldn't reciprocate at the same level he would "excuse" me. Everything was qualified. That told me ever so subtly that a relationship with this man would always be qualified. Perhaps he couldn't understand that if I wanted money I would make my more of my own. Perhaps he was seeing through his own insecurity. Regardless I didn't feel this person could understand the idea of ours everything would be yours or mine, "fairly" so but separate. He could never receive all the love I was capable of giving, with no resentment I moved on so that he could find someone who wouldn't love so hard.
"A watched pot never boils."
Lest we forget a neglected pot boils dry. There is much to be said for moderation.
ya good stuff Jeffry
guys oughta $HiT or get off the POT cause girls we got things that needs to get done like get married and stuff have kids whatever
Interesting article........Taurus girl here with opposite situation. Dealing with a Sag that wants marriage. Having dealt with another Sag previously, I told the Sag to wait a couple of months to see how things went before I met the family. That hurt the Sag's feelings because he felt that he was not being taken seriously and love was not being reciprocated. We went through a month long separation, and he recently called, wanting to re-establish communication. We did talk through some issues, are being friendly but from previous experience, I know that Sags don't have much patience, and can change their mind at a drop of a hat.
I do value the Sag, however I hope that time will allow the relationship to evolve, but is not sure if Sag is willing to do so. Taurus girl really likes the guy, but refuses to be pushed to the chapel.
A woman must be worshipped, cherished, adored. If a grown man doesn't display attentiveness, willingness to learn to express love, then what 's he doing? Love is greater than dominance, anger, brutality, and women are made to submit. Come on, most men are too busy looking at porn or drinking booze to be decent, loving men. If you know one, I'd like to meet him.
anyways, a woman should always have her own money, car, and hyouse so she never has to leave. All she has to do is tell him, and if he gets stupid about it, there's al;ways a restraining order.
hey there Anon Tauro chick two posts up youre a chick no way haha youre prob Jeffry making a good case scenery like takes one to know one bc chicks dont talk like that no way nice try but if youre a chick truly then it never happen to you or maybe I think I know the prob your man is POOR and Tauro chicks like rich guys with $$$$ thats for sure
ya probly youre that A. guy whos so smart all a gal needs to know about smart scorp she can read from A. thats for sure aint seen no guy scorp smarter than that A. but hes not so smart to tell everybody everything like he does bc then we know the secret
and btw Rachel you know your stuff yeah I like it but you made ONE biggie mistake thats sayin woman should always have her own money, car, and hyouse (whats a hyouse haha) bc then what the **** you need a man for in the first place if he cant do that
Hey badnoozbetty......
Taurus girl here. Definitely a chick, and have to answer your assertion that I must not be one, and that I am motivated by $$$. As Rachel summed up perfectly earlier, if the guy does not have the patience to let love develop with the other party, then there will be no substance in the relationship. From experience, I believe Life is too short to base an union on a monetary basis. Furthermore, I refuse to subjugate myself for security and comfort...No matter how rich the guy may be....have already read & seen too much of that anyway...
badnoozbetty you must be one of those women who think the only asset they need to have to make it in life is already between their thighs.
@badnooz, I don't post comments anonymously. (Ahem.)
That picture is so sad. Brings back bad memories :/
hey LJ whats between ur thighs helps but whats between ur ears is better yup thats for sure
hey Jeffry sorry bout that ok mustve been some scorp tryin to be cool about it you know how them scorps are specially the guys haha
and ya Tauro chick up there glad you admitted it that ur a guy thanx saved me the trubble
Allegra de Rossi is that your picture?
It's not a photo of Allegra. I found it on flickr.
LOL, no, Anonymous it's not me. Actually that girl looks nothing like me and my room is more crimson and pink than vanilla :)
I just said that because it reminded me of days past when I would sit in my room sad over one thing or another. Before I discovered astrology
Now that you've discovered astrology, you're no longer sad?
This post has been removed by the author.
Sorry, deleted the previous comment due to a few typos.
Discovering astrology didn't cause me to cheer up, but around the time that I decided I was going to make the best of my life, I found astrology. So just a correlation there, but astrology certainly helped to understand myself and why things happened, and how I could use the energies in my chart positively. I am a positive person in general, but my circumstances would always pull me down every time I got up. Now I know how to make life manageable and enjoyable
Hi Jeff;
Great article as always ;) I felt the punch with T-Saturn opposing my natal Moon (trigger few years back) to be the 'wake up call' experience relating to your article. I'm still dealing with 'when' but the certainty and realizations are clear, and that is what I am most proud of - being able to identify the red flags and knowing that not settling for someone is very important to being a genuinely happy person (including parter, friend, and mother).
Natally, I don't have any negative aspects to either Venus or Saturn, so its all in the transits and how much I allow to impact my life ;)
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