Staying in a relationship past its expiration date
There are many reasons two people stay together -- even if the passion in their relationship has died. In a time when serial monogamy seems the norm, sticking it out can seem either noble or needlessly self-limiting. After all, why maintain a relationship with one person over the long haul, when you can experience the juiciness of a new fling -- again and again and again?
Sometimes the decision to stay together stems from the desire to sacrifice one's own needs for the benefit of something greater than oneself. Other times, the decision stems from fear of the unknown. And then, there are people who are just happy together, valuing each other's companionship even if they rarely make love.
Unfortunately, there are worse things in a long-term relationship than no sex -- domestic abuse or emotional isolation, for example. Yet, even many of these marriages stay intact. In this post, I will explore some of the reasons couples choose to stay together -- even when their relationship has reached its shelf life.
Status and Tradition
The 10th House corresponds with the highest point in the chart. It relates to vocation and public reputation, and is naturally associated with the planet Saturn and the zodiac sign Capricorn. Opposite the 10th House is the 4th House, at the very bottom of the chart. It relates to home, family, tradition and roots. The 4th House is naturally associated with the Moon and the sign it rules, Cancer.
Both Capricorn and Cancer are traditional, conservative signs, and this power of the past oftentimes has an effect on the longevity of a relationship. A couple stays together for the kids, to create a feeling of stability and security -- which corresponds with Cancer. The spouses in a married couple may be in business together, or are so invested in their status within their social circle that a divorce would be detrimental to one or both of them ("keeping up appearances") -- corresponding with Capricorn.
Religion and Community
The Third and Ninth Houses are more flexible (being cadent), and relate to the mental/social areas of life. They are respectively associated with Gemini (ruled by Mercury) and Sagittarius (ruled by Jupiter). The Ninth House corresponds with organized religion, which holds the institution of marriage to high standards ("til death do us part"). A couple with strong ties to the Church (synagogue, mosque) may stay together simply because they made their vows in front of God.
However, the Ninth House also relates to international travel, sports and activities that expand the mind. The Third Houses concerns local community and stimulating conversation. A relationship that has lost its sexual passion may still continue because the couple has a strong intellectual bond or thirst for adventure. (In which case, it hasn't really expired!)
Money and Self-Esteem
The Second and Eighth Houses concern finances and how one is "valued." Many couples stay together for economic reasons, or simply because one or both individuals do not feel they are worthy of something better. Low self-esteem (2nd House) can keep someone from taking risks to re-enter the "market." One individual may have control (8th House) over the other, preventing them from leaving the relationship.
At the risk of not being exhaustive (i.e., passing over Houses 1/7, 5/11 and 6/12), I'll end by suggesting that Saturn is the biggest factor in the maintenance of a long-term relationship. Its benefits are commitment, duty, responsibility and longevity. Its downside includes guilt and fear. And Neptune is a runner-up, as sacrifice and martyrdom (Pisces/12th House) often make up the glue that keeps a marriage intact.
Comment below: Are you in a relationship beyond its expiration date? What keeps you two together?
Photo by banjo_d
Stumble It!
If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe to this blog.
posted by Jeffrey Kishner at 2/20/2008
5 Comments:
Sometimes the decision to stay together stems from the desire to sacrifice one's own needs for the benefit of something greater than oneself.= I would say thats our daughter most definitely. Its also good to face some of our issues instead of running from them. We still have great sex too.
My 7th house is ruled by capricorn and im cancer rising so these two factors also keep me there through tough times. We are also in business together.
We also have a pretty strong intellectual bond so I think we can make it :)
post by jensagg
I was tickled to see your post! Please see below an article I wrote 7 months ago about relationship expiration dates. It's awesome to witness 2 great minds thinking alike!
Relationship Expiration Date
by Carmin Wharton
July 2, 2007
Expiration dates. We all heed them. I know I don’t purchase a dairy product at the grocery store without checking the expiration date. Even some bottled water has an expiration date stamped on the label. On a recent Montel Williams show his guest was a psychic named Sylvia. Guests were encouraged to ask Sylvia questions. At first, most of the people in the audience asked questions about loved ones who had died. Then it started. People (they all happened to be women) begin to ask when they would meet the right man. One woman’s mother asked this question for her daughter and the mother stated the daughter had been in one bad relationship after another. The psychic told the woman her daughter would have to wait 6 years for the right man to enter her life. This made the daughter stand up and take the microphone. She emphatically stated that she had not been choosing the wrong men. The psychic assured her she had indeed been choosing the wrong men. The woman continued to insist she had not chosen the wrong men. Then Montel interceded and here is what he said, “You don’t have to sit and wait 6 years. Have fun and date. However, just realize everyone has an expiration date stamped on his (or her) forehead. When the expiration date comes, throw them out and move on.” Whoa Nellie! The woman relinquished the microphone and sat down with this defiant, pissed off look on her face. What she did not realize is that Montel Williams had given her excellent advice applicable to every single relationship in our lives.
When Is the Expiration Date?
The expiration date is when a relationship has outlived its usefulness in your life or, the relationship should not have been in your life in the first place. If the relationship is causing you pain, anxiety or distress and you have done everything in your power to correct whatever, guess what? This relationship needs to be thrown out; just like milk past its expiration date – poured down the drain with the hot tap water turned on after it goes down the drain. This applies to romantic relationships, career relationships – all relationships.
Sometimes, the expiration date is not visible or evident to us. However, sometimes without warning, someone will walk right out of your life. Poof! They are gone leaving you standing there with your mouth hanging open wondering what the heck happened. The person who left saw the expiration date and moved on. In my book, Lessons Learned: While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces, I share the fact that when a person’s part in your life story or your part in their life story is over, acknowledge that fact and move on or allow them to move on.
In 2004, an article attributed to Bishop T.D. Jakes entitled “Let It Go in 2004” was widely circulated on the Internet. In the article, Bishop Jakes stated, “If someone can walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is not tied to anyone who can walk away from you.”
Do All Relationships Have Expiration Dates?
Yes, all relationships have expiration dates. Some expiration dates are beyond human control and by this I mean, death. We even come with expiration dates. An
old-fashioned word for death that is usually used in medical settings is the word
“expire.” Sometimes we agree with the expiration date of a relationship but most often, we do not. We hang in there trying to make it work, hoping it will work while every indication is that our relationship is just as dead as any cadaver in the morgue.
Some relationships have the expiration dates stamped on them and some we must stamp ourselves. Not all expiration dates signal an actual end to the relationship but can signal the end to the manner a relationship is handled or your depth of involvement in a relationship. For example, if you are the parent of a wayward child whom you have bailed out of one mess after another, it’s time for you to stamp that relationship with an expiration date. However, the date you are stamping signals the end of your attempt to save this child from himself or your attempt to save him from the lesson he or she needs to learn.
It has been my experience that in male-female relationships, men tend to be able to adhere to or recognize relationship expiration dates better than women. I think this is because by nature, women tend to be of a more nurturing state of mind. Women tend to think they can nurture someone or a situation enough to change the person or situation. Men tend to be more matter-of-fact about things. Men tend to realize early on when something is a waste of their time and energy. It’s not that men don’t feel pain or disappointment but they tend to acknowledge when it’s time to move on faster than women. This is not always the case but if you recall past instances of people moving on, I think you will agree to this general assessment.
Depending on the item, we can still consume some goods (food, medicine, etc.) for up to a week, month or even a year after the posted expiration date. This is commonly referred to as a grace period. The key in relationships is the ability to decipher if you have a grace period. If you are in a domestically violent relationship, you have no grace period; the time to leave is NOW. Depending on your particular relationship, you may have a week, month, or other time frame expiration date. My advice: do not remain in any relationship to the point where your health, self-esteem or self-worth begins to suffer.
As Montel so eloquently put, “Stamp an expiration date on their forehead, throw them out and yell, Next.”
Please feel free to use this article in your newsletter, e-zine or blog. However, the byline below must be included in its entirety.
About Carmin Wharton
Carmin Wharton is a relationship coach, professional speaker, entrepreneur, and the author of Lessons Learned: While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces; a book which she shows you how to recognize undesirable partners and how to move forward after a painful relationship ends. She is also the Founder of e-BlackWomenNetwork.com; an online networking community for women of color. To learn more about how you can book Carmin to speak or network with her visit www.carminwharton.com.
Thanks, Carmin. Great minds, indeed.
What good are ideas, if they hold you back from connecting directly with the Source? You can talk and write about God, or you can just surrender to Him or Her.
A RELATIONSHIP WITH gOD COME TO MIND BEFORE MY COMMENT
Raising your voice in your last sentence makes it appear that you feel your audience is hearing impaired. Either that, or that your peculiar strand of faith calls for shouting as affirmation.
Post a Comment
Get email updates when new comments are added to this post
(There must be at least one comment already posted for this to work.)
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home