Astrology is not enough to facilitate change
In the comments section of Ignorance of your natal aspects is NOT bliss, Fabienne writes,
If you want the cake, you need to step outside astrology and into a spiritual practice. I used to practice Buddhism before I studied astrology, and have read some literature on Buddhist psychotherapy. To change your self-defeating patterns, you need to practice compassion and mindfulness.
Compassion
You cannot change your patterns until you accept them. Regardless of how painful it is to see yourself doing the same thing over and over, trying to push away the pattern only makes it more entrenched. Attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin -- whether you desire something or feel repelled by it, you're still giving it power.
You need to love your warts. They are, after all, an integral part of your character. Can you embrace that which you dislike most about yourself? That's the challenge, isn't it? It's much easier to do so when you are separate from your problems, when you can be somewhat distanced from yourself. A good psychotherapist, healer or spiritual teacher can love your entire being, because she has compassion for your suffering. How can you step back far enough from yourself to embrace your own flaws?
Mindfulness
When you meditate long enough, you can observe your thoughts without being attached to them. You might say that there is enough Aquarian distance to just watch them and not getting emotionally invested in them -- not having to go, "Oh, I don't want to think that, I'll change my mind," or "Oh, I really like this image, I want to hold on to it." With enough practice, you can observe yourself in relationships. You can watch yourself about to tell your boyfriend, "You don't really love me," and stop yourself -- Oh, there I go again, playing out my Saturn-Venus -- and make a decision to not go there.
Changing Lanes
What holds you back from taking a different path? An astro-neurologist may say that certain pathways in the brain are reinforced every time you repeat a pattern that is congruent with a challenging natal aspect. Regardless, you are a creature of habit, and the prospect of change brings up fear of uncertainty. However painful it is to travel the same well-trodden road, it's at least familiar. You may, in fact, identify with this path. You may not know who you would be if you changed lanes. Your very self (with a lower "s") may feel threatened, because your ego equates your familiar patterns with who you are. However, your Self (capital "S") knows you are not your self-defeating patterns. It knows that there are more liberating ways to be true to your Saturn-Venus aspect (or whatever aspect frustrates you).
It is common to feel that you are going to die if you do things differently. Your self-defeating patterns are a bit like addictions, and when you take away the bottle, your neurons freak out, and scream, "Feed me! Tell your boyfriend you're not good enough for him! Why is he sticking around with you?" If they don't get their daily fix of neurotransmitters, they get delirium tremens and started shaking and quaking. But this death is not a death of your body, it is a death of a part of yourself that needs to be shed.
When are you ready to change?
I have no easy answers here. I believe that we do not change until the negatives outweigh the positives. We get something out of our self-defeating patterns, and that benefit is unique for everyone. It could be anything from avoidance of reality to suppressing old stuff to managing emotional pain. It's hard work to be ever-mindful of how you are hurting yourself. And it's even harder when you see yourself doing it despite your wish to stop. Probably the best question to ask yourself at this point is, "How does my self-defeating pattern serve me?"
We will return to our regularly scheduled programming tomorrow. (Maybe.)
Astrology has really been an eye opening instrument, but at this point in my life I am not sure if knowing the “you are here X spot” is really useful in helping you make different choices. Yes, it is great to be aware of it, but in reality it is only the cookie prize.... [K}nowing you can take another road is good, but until you are read[y] to change lanes, knowing is not going to do a lot for you. I guess the question how you become ready to change. I know it can happen in a split second, but the road to that instant is a long winding one.Astrology is just a system of correspondences. Its revelations are only cookie prizes.
If you want the cake, you need to step outside astrology and into a spiritual practice. I used to practice Buddhism before I studied astrology, and have read some literature on Buddhist psychotherapy. To change your self-defeating patterns, you need to practice compassion and mindfulness.
Compassion
You cannot change your patterns until you accept them. Regardless of how painful it is to see yourself doing the same thing over and over, trying to push away the pattern only makes it more entrenched. Attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin -- whether you desire something or feel repelled by it, you're still giving it power.
You need to love your warts. They are, after all, an integral part of your character. Can you embrace that which you dislike most about yourself? That's the challenge, isn't it? It's much easier to do so when you are separate from your problems, when you can be somewhat distanced from yourself. A good psychotherapist, healer or spiritual teacher can love your entire being, because she has compassion for your suffering. How can you step back far enough from yourself to embrace your own flaws?
Mindfulness
When you meditate long enough, you can observe your thoughts without being attached to them. You might say that there is enough Aquarian distance to just watch them and not getting emotionally invested in them -- not having to go, "Oh, I don't want to think that, I'll change my mind," or "Oh, I really like this image, I want to hold on to it." With enough practice, you can observe yourself in relationships. You can watch yourself about to tell your boyfriend, "You don't really love me," and stop yourself -- Oh, there I go again, playing out my Saturn-Venus -- and make a decision to not go there.
Changing Lanes
What holds you back from taking a different path? An astro-neurologist may say that certain pathways in the brain are reinforced every time you repeat a pattern that is congruent with a challenging natal aspect. Regardless, you are a creature of habit, and the prospect of change brings up fear of uncertainty. However painful it is to travel the same well-trodden road, it's at least familiar. You may, in fact, identify with this path. You may not know who you would be if you changed lanes. Your very self (with a lower "s") may feel threatened, because your ego equates your familiar patterns with who you are. However, your Self (capital "S") knows you are not your self-defeating patterns. It knows that there are more liberating ways to be true to your Saturn-Venus aspect (or whatever aspect frustrates you).
It is common to feel that you are going to die if you do things differently. Your self-defeating patterns are a bit like addictions, and when you take away the bottle, your neurons freak out, and scream, "Feed me! Tell your boyfriend you're not good enough for him! Why is he sticking around with you?" If they don't get their daily fix of neurotransmitters, they get delirium tremens and started shaking and quaking. But this death is not a death of your body, it is a death of a part of yourself that needs to be shed.
When are you ready to change?
I have no easy answers here. I believe that we do not change until the negatives outweigh the positives. We get something out of our self-defeating patterns, and that benefit is unique for everyone. It could be anything from avoidance of reality to suppressing old stuff to managing emotional pain. It's hard work to be ever-mindful of how you are hurting yourself. And it's even harder when you see yourself doing it despite your wish to stop. Probably the best question to ask yourself at this point is, "How does my self-defeating pattern serve me?"
We will return to our regularly scheduled programming tomorrow. (Maybe.)
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posted by Jeffrey Kishner at 7/23/2007
13 Comments:
"It is common to feel that you are going to die if you do things differently."
You got me there. Right in the center of my whole being, or at the center of my subjective feeling of decoying.
But you forgot this time to give assignment for the comments section :o)
How do we step into changes?
How do we achieve the 'Aquarian distance' and therefore objectivity necessary for choosing the right way?
Do we practice compassion and mindfulness? In which way? Results?
There's lot more...
What do you want to know? :o)
"How does my self-defeating pattern serve me?"
What a great question that requires a long shovel and the willingness to go digging.
I remember asking my ex once why he didn't like being alone. His response was, "I'm sick of me. I've been alone with my thoughts every second of every day of every year of my life." After I asked him what's wrong with that? He said, "One of these days, I might discover something I don't wanna know." Such a self-aware answer, which suggests that he's CONSCIOUSLY practicing denial. Of course, my mystery-loving self found that intriguing about him.
Which brings me to MY self-defeating pattern - choosing the path of most resistance just for the experiment of it. I don't do this all the time, but I'm starting to realize that I've been doing it a lot lately, especially in relationships. I like having something (someone?) to fix. Do I go out of my way to cause problems? No. But if I see a problem heading my way, I don't always sidestep it. No, instead I open my arms and say "welcome, have a seat." I tend to go against my better judgment when choosing who to enter a relationship with because a part of me likes a challenge. My last 3 relationships began despite my thoughts at the time running along the lines of, "I can already see why we're going to break up. Let me see if I can prove myself wrong here."
Meanwhile, in other areas of my life, I don't accept the challenge at all. I take the path of least resistance when it comes to achieving my REAL goals. Sometimes I don't want to try at something because I'm afraid I'll actually succeed. Then what? Where's my next challenge gonna come from? So I end up exerting a lot of energy on hopeless cases, ones that I know on some conscious level have no chance in hell of working out.
Try something I actually have a chance at accomplishing? asks my self-defeating twin. "No! What happens if we give this all we have and it doesn't work out for us? How devastating would THAT be? Nah, let's just keep putting a lot of hard work into dead-end projects. That way, if we succeed, it'll be a miracle and count as a HUGE success. And if we don't, no harm, no foul...cuz we didn't really care about succeeding at this anyway." S the flip side of being afraid of success is also being afraid of failure. Such a catch 22.
*signs and slowly putting shovel down*
It's not always pretty to uncover all of the ego-protecting self-defense mechanisms that we've built up, only to discover that we're our worst enemy. It's so much easier to point the finger at an external source. I'm learning that if the problem has followed me from situation to situation, the problem is probably me (and my shadow). I've also realized that the traits we dislike the most in others are really parts of ourselves that we aren't claiming. How potentially mentally distressing is THAT thought? :)
Is it easier to go soul-digging alone or with someone else by one's side?
Oops, I hope the meaning came through regardless of the typos...
So the whole point of your taking on impossible projects is so that you don't actually risk success or failure by putting your energies into something that's actually worthwhile.
I do the whole "I think I'm right about this but let me see if I'm actually wrong" before embarking on a doomed project. It's bizarre. I wonder why I do that. Wishful thinking that it may come out right after all? Bc it hardly ever does.
ex.blue, you've already come up with some good homework assignments. 5-page paper due Monday!
'Sometimes a man imagines that he will lose himself if he gives himself, and keep himself if he hides himself. But the contrary takes place with terrible exactitude.'
This sums up my change =)
@exclusion blue: as m boyfriend reminded me, it’s not about change, but about transformation. Change is more of the same only different. Winter is change, different from summer, but still a season.
@Jeff. My path of transformation had led from astrology to Buddhism and meditation. Started a few months ago. Mindfulness has helped get more detached and observe my thoughts. I discovered patterns, recurrences, old reruns and imagination of a reality that does not exist and how much I do fall into this practice in a minute to minute basis. Sometimes, I can make a game of it and count the number of times in a day that I fall into this trap. Other times it just frustrates me to no end, like a hamster in wheel. Overall, throughout the six months I have been meditating, I have been introduced to my self-defeating behaviors(passive-aggressive, failing for spite, etc..). But the resistance is still present as I cannot acknowledge the reasons my self-defeating patterns serve me.
@blahblahblah: I learned a long time that the biggest fear is fear of being successful. Somehow acknowledging this type of fear is not cool. Fear of failure is much more socially acceptable. It does not matter if your soul-digging is done alone or with somebody, you still have to do the work yourself. In my case, my boyfriend has been my mentor but I had to embrace the change and choose to do the work. As they say when you are ready the teacher appears.
Eme Kah, yeah it might be wishful thinking that THIS ONE TIME, could I be wrong please? It reminds me of that quote (by Benjamin Franklin or Albert Einstein): "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." So I'm just now figuring out why I drive myself crazy with these decisions I keep making despite "knowing" better.
Fabienne, I agree that a fear of success is somewhat socially unacceptable. It just sounds so...self-indulgent. It was even hard to write...I love what you said about when you are ready the teacher appears. So true! Or maybe the teacher has been there before, but just wasn't recognized or appreciated.
Of course, we have to do the work of soul-digging ourselves, but I'm wondering at what point do we stop blaming our issues on other people? Just recognizing our issue is not enough. I've noticed that even though people know they have a problem, they still find a way to blame others for it instead of transforming. It's so easy to do.
What I mean by the last paragraph is that sometimes we look to other people (esp. in romantic relationships)to help "cure" us of our problems, but end up blaming them even though we KNOW on some level they are our problems.
For example, I once had a manager tell me on the interview that she was scattered, all over the place mentally, a tyrant, etc. (I know, why did I take this job? Yet another case of me trying stuff even though I know it's a bad idea.) Well, when things didn't go smoothly because she constantly gave me contradictory instructions (yes, she's a Gemini), guess who got blamed? Not her! Even though she knows her faults, she still blamed me for things not going right because I was there and it's better than blaming herself.
I could use my personal relationships as examples, too, but won't go there. We would all be here all day...
I keep thinking of better ways to illustrate my point.
Ok, so in my last example, this manager HIRED ME FOR THE PURPOSE OF HELPING HER ORGANIZE EVENTS, but ended up acting as if the person she hired (WHO OBVIOUSLY HAS EXPERIENCE ORGANIZING STUFF) is the one with the problem.
So we can recognize our problem, seek out other people to help us, but may end up projecting our own issue onto them as if they are the cause of our problem when they're not.
"It just sounds so...self-indulgent. "
I don't think fear of success is self-indulgent at all although I know people often do think that way (and I'm curious to know why). After all, success makes you more noticeable and that makes it easier for people to feel envious of you and also puts you on the spot. People often feel justified in tearing successful people down and it's not just verbal. Remember the "evil eye"? Just about every culture has that idea and the evil eye is very much related to envy. Of course, the superstitious idea that people's ill thoughts can harm you is silly. But envious people don't always stick to thinking bad things. And, in some cultures, character assassination and gossip can literally ruin people's lives. So, no, I think that a fear of success makes a lot of sense, especially if you're a private person.
Yes, the evil eye gave birth to the saying, "if looks could kill".
Since most people would like to be successful, it just seems that being afraid of success is self-indulgent because it's complaining about something that others would kill to have. Like, "waahhh, my husband and children love me too much!" or "waahh, if I get one more promotion at work, I'm gonna kill myself!" or "waahhh, my diamond shoes are too tight!!" :)
RE:When are you ready to change?
From the point of view of karma, for those of us who believe in such a thing, I firmly believe that you change or at least make an effort to change, when the soul is ready for it. The trigger may outwardly manifest as a specific event, relationship, or any other life crisis, but on a much deeper level, you have to reach a certain predetermined, albeit unknown to our consciousness, stage or point in your journey, where you are ready for change. All the suffering & mistakes are nothing but preparation for a better, more enlightened self. For all the insanity in this world, there is a method to this madness. Good post Jeffrey.
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