Gemini woman and jealous Cancer man: Can it work?
Sandyshoes provided a birth time (click chart to view) and writes,42-yr old Cancer man, never previously married, says he's simply never met "the right woman" before. I'm divorced and a single parent. We've dated 5 months and he says he loves me and feels a connection stronger than any he's ever experienced before. He talks about a future, he makes time to be with me and my child, he is sensitive and nurturing and sweet and the sex is superb. Usually I get hung up on intellectual types -- this man is intelligent but does not live in his head. He is very domestic and appeals to me on a level I've never felt before, very emotional and physical. He gives me butterflies and makes me feel weak at the knees. We are so different -- I am high-strung and restless (but a VERY good cook) while he is quiet and laid-back. Can it work for us? He touches me deeply and I know that I touch him, but whereas he is open to discussing any issues that arise for ME, he tends to withdraw a little and go cool rather than tell me when something has upset HIM. And he won't admit that he's jealous but I get the sense that he is -- and I am a very social person who strikes up conversations and gets smiles or greetings from complete strangers. I feel this makes him uncomfortable but he won't admit it.Although Gemini and Cancer are typically not a good match, your Moon (which rules Cancer) sits at the beginning of your Seventh House of Relationships. You are attracted to a domestically-inclined, emotionally-attuned man. Better yet, an intelligent one with a wide perspective, as Sagittarius sits on your Seventh House cusp. The Crab withdraws into its shell when feeling vulnerable, so do not be too concerned when your Cancer man goes cool.
Jupiter (the ruler of your Sagittarius Descendant) is in Leo in your Third House of Communication, in a stressful square -- or 90-degree angle -- to your Moon. You are a chatty Gemini with a tendency to be the life of the party in social situations. The attention you receive rubs the wrong way with your boyfriend (Jupiter in Third square Moon in Seventh). In addition, you have a tight Sun-Pluto square. The Sun symbolizes the man in your life, and Pluto can be both secretive and possessive. You may have a tendency to draw controlling men into your life -- or at least men who hold their cards close to their chest. As long as this Cancer man doesn't try to dictate your behavior, he sounds appropriate for you. He may just have to deal with his jealousy until he feels sufficiently safe and secure (Cancer) with you, knowing that your flirtatious manner (Venus, Sun, Mars in Gemini) doesn't threaten him.
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posted by Jeffrey Kishner at 6/08/2007
9 Comments:
I would say that there are no Crabs that are not jealous, even when there isn't one reason for that, even if they are not the 'home type' and completely introvert (which is possible). Takes time for a Crab to trust and be cool, and most important - huge love to build intimacy to a very high level.
I agree with exclusion.blue.
And I want to add that Cancers/Crabs (why do we have such awful nicknames? lol) will only trust a person after we get the warm & fuzzies from a.) seeing that you're considerate of other people's feelings and, most importantly, b.) seeing that you're considerate of our feelings. This goes for the more evolved types.
If your Cancer guy is emotionally immature (although, from what you write, it doesn't sound like it) or has been hurt a lot in the past (and hasn't gotten over it), then basically nothing you do short of excluding every other man but him from your life is going to instill his trust in you. And that's extreme...
Also, he could be withdrawing when he feels jealous because if he admits that he's jealous, then you will have even more insight (i.e., power to hurt him) over his emotions than you do already. If he isn't yet sure what you will do with your newfound insight (power), admitting his feelings can be as welcome as death to him. Remember Cancers, like Crabs, have hard shells but are softies on the inside. He has already told you that he loves you, so he knows that you have the ability to break his heart/hurt his feelings.
Since I don't know the specifics of your guy's chart, here are some suggested solutions that might generally go over well with a Cancer:
1. Try talking to him about why you like having conversations with different people. He may give you bonus points if you bring it up by saying that you've noticed he gets uncomfortable when you talk to other guys. (You'll be able to tell if he really DOES get jealous by his reaction to your being able to observe his unspoken feelings. If he looks happy that you've made a connection between the situation and his feelings, then he DOES get jealous but doesn't want to admit it. If he looks worried, that could mean that he doesn't get jealous or he really, really doesn't want you to know he's jealous. Either way, this is your cue to back off the topic a little.)
2. Remember to mention in your conversation how much you care about him, how he affects you (the butterflies and such), all the nice things he does that you appreciate (sensitive, nurturing, spends time with you and your child, etc.).
3. In your explanation of why you're a social person, try not to imply that talking to other people gives you something that he doesn't give you (this might have the opposite effect you want by kicking his insecurity up a notch).
4. Include lots of physical affection while you're talking and listening to his responses. Hugs, cuddles, back massages, touches on arm/leg/knee/etc. will communicate your feelings to him so much more than your words will. He'll be hearing your words, but will be "listening" to your actions that reinforce your words. The affection will tell him that you really mean what you say about caring for him.
Cancers and Geminis can work if they understand each other's natural way of doing things and don't get threatened by the differences. Cancer needs to understand that sociability doesn't always = flirtatious or disloyal, while Gemini needs to understand that silence and withdrawal doesn't always = disinterest, lack of feelings, participation, etc.
Sandyshoes, are any of your Cancer guy's personal planets in Gemini? That could help him understand your ways a bit more.
Yep, that's how we work.
Another thing worth mentioning is NEVER skip telling him something. He'll know.
Also, open up, show that you're vulnerable and emotional just as he is. Crabs respect this. Though even if you show him that you have trust in him, it still doesn't mean that thing solely will be enough for him to trust you completely.
BlahBlah and I have swarm you with details, may seem like hard work :)
but the reward can and hopefully will be great.
Thanks so much for your comments everyone, and I apologise for not participating in the conversation until now. I have been moving house and dealing with a family crisis all at the same time, and just couldn't focus until now. I really appreciated the different insights that each comment, and Jeffrey's answer to my question, contained.
Jeffrey's comment about me possibly drawing controlling men into my life made me sit up and think; there is some truth to that. My Cancerian definitely has a tendency to tell me how to do things and sometimes what to do or what not to do, however if I call him on that he is respectful and will apologise and back down. (It is probably not a coincidence that in bed he gets incredibly turned on by engaging in daddy/little girl talk.) The challenge for me is having the strength to stand firm and speak up for what I want rather than just going with the flow, and I admit that I do find that a challenge at times.
The relationship has progressed faster than I expected and the issue of jealousy has really receded. At least, I seldom have the feeling now that he is withdrawing, although he can be distant and a little cool at times. I find if I leave him be he comes back full of love and happiness. What is still an issue (for me!) is his fairly constant probing into my thoughts and feelings while remaining much less forthcoming about his own.
Anonymous, you were spot-on with your comment "never skip telling him something. He'll know!" Very early in the relationship when I was feeling skittish he said "I think you're frightened because you know that with me, you can't hide." And I can't. He has an uncanny knack of sensing my moods and knowing if there's something out of kilter. Nothing, and I mean nothing, escapes his notice.
Blahblah, my Cancerian does have Gemini somewhere in his chart but I forget where and my papers are not yet unpacked. He also has his moon in Scorpio and his Venus is ruled by Virgo.
He told me a few weeks ago that he hopes we will "grow old together" and he has begun asking weird, out-of-the-blue and half-jokey questions about marriage but he has not proposed. Is it typical of Cancerian men to be so infuriatingly indirect and confusing? Recently we walked past a jewellers and he asked "Would you like a diamond?" and I didn't know what to say. Last week we saw a bride being photographed and he said "Where would YOU like to be married?" In my experience men avoid the topic like the plague unless they're actually seriously thinking about it, but I don't know whether he's really expecting answers to these types of questions and I don't know how to react. One thing I know is that it's not usual for him to play with my feelings, but those kinds of questions just leave me hanging and feeling cross. I avoid answering them because they make me feel foolish and confused. How would you Cancer experts interpret them?
Many thanks again, all, for your insights.
Scorp Moon, a? :o)
Water Sun, water Moon... mood swings all around. You say when you let him be he comes back all happy and full of love.
This is something you'll have to learn to cope with. I know I was always fascinated with how my ex Cap boyfriend knew when just to let me vent on my own, which ever the reason and which ever was the emotion I would be expressing. He knew that I'll cool down after a blizzard of tears, or swearing and yelling. (of course, all this if he wasn't the reason, then I would engage him in a proper fight, naturally, but that's not what we're talking about here).
Now about the marriage...
First I was confused when I read what's he doing, but then I remembered my best friend's Cancer boyfriend... when they fell in love, when HE fell in love, he was acting very similar. So, it's not that he's playing with your feelings, he's testing out. I kinda don't think that a Cancer guy would hold his peace and then make a spectacular proposal to surprise a woman, this looks just the way it should be. Even the Cancer constelation rises up on the sky sidewards. Just answer his questions like you're talking with someone else, relaxed, try to be even humorous.
"Would you like a diamond?"
"Naturally, diamonds are girls' best friends!"
Does he pick on you? Childishly? If he does, combined with these marriage questions - he's toasted :o) Crazy about you.
The controlling desire, especially in bed is, the way you illustrated it, pretty spooky for me, but that's just me, I'm a Crab myself and I get a little paranoid about stuff like that (sounds familiar?).
Btw, Anonymous was me, I just messed up the boxes when I was posting the comment.
Thanks exclusion.blue. If by 'pick on me' you mean 'is he critical of me?' I would say yes, although not in a nasty way. It's just that he NOTICES everything, from stray hairs and pimples to loose threads on my clothing (which he will cut off), me sounding tired (he will suggest a nap), when I have shaped my eyebrows etc. He notices EVERYTHING and remarks upon it -- the good, the bad and the ugly. Sometimes I wish he'd look a little less intently!
The roleplay/sex talk thing did give me pause for serious thought when it first came up, both for myself and because I am a mother. I have satisfied myself on the following points: that it is ONLY a fantasy and he shows no inclination to act it out in real life; that it's not at all an unusual fantasy for either men or women; that it's by no means the only way he can be sexual; that he's definitely, strongly attracted to the adult female form; and that I have never felt demeaned, denigrated, abused or lessened in any way by his talk or behaviour in bed.
I like what blahblah said about Gemini and Cancer needing to appreciate their differences, because it's clear that we do have very different approaches to just about everything. There are many moments when I feel confused by my Cancerian but as things progress I feel more secure, less fearful and more inclined to take a deep breath and investigate the differences rather than giving it all up for lost and running away. And I'm always glad when I do, because he means what he says and says what he means, and in the moments of clarity and connection I feel loved and enfolded and comforted in a way that I've never felt before. I wouldn't hurt him for the world and I feel very, very lucky to have him in my life.
I'm very glad to hear that you're so happy :)
"It's just that he NOTICES everything, from stray hairs and pimples to loose threads on my clothing (which he will cut off), me sounding tired (he will suggest a nap), when I have shaped my eyebrows etc. He notices EVERYTHING and remarks upon it -- the good, the bad and the ugly."
I think I do this too.... Don't ask me why, I don't know.
some dude...
Heres an easy fix. If you want see cancer man and gemini woman in action...MTV has a show called the Gauntlet III which aires (east coast time) on wednesday at 10:00pm. There is a cancerman called " C.T." and a geminiwoman called " Diem"...2 years ago they had a show in which they first hooked up (cant remember if it was the Gauntlet/Inferno or whatever) either way CT is a complete CANCERMAN (july 16th Birthday). Throught the history of MTV reality career (Real World France) he has been the badguy, YET you notice this real sensitivity there (just under the surface or shell in his case). The way he can be viewed as a complete nutjob yet you can see how caring he is of Diem even before she became his girlfriend. Moreso, the first episode CT get into a huge fight with Coral (another character) and then his Girlfriend. He was super drunk (cancers love the alchy) yet are by know means "drunks" or losers. they are very fierce when needed that I think is as bad if not worst than Scorpio if seriously threaten. Other than that they are VERY sensitive and easily hurt (just my opionion crabs out there) Yet, NO ONE is a loyal,honest,caring and protective and I mean absolutely PROTECTIVE than a cancer. Though you will have to get use to their moods its MORE than worth it...when it really counts there are no other people I would take to WAR and maybe Marriage than a CANCER...(regardless of how CRAZY they are!!! and that is usually REALLY crazy)But more than likely they will give you the nonemotional cold shoulder and it will take a ARMY to pull them out.
All that picky stuff - noticing
EVERYTHING, from lint, to a hair, etc.... - this is also his Virgo part you spoke of (Venus I think you said) - I am dating a Virgo w/Cancer rising and yes, this drives me nuts (he has a stellium of 4 or 5 planets in Virgo). I TOO wish that he would not notice everything. Well, actually he does NOT notice my emotions, and has become completely clueless to this but when it comes to the physical stuff he does!
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